It can happen at the beginning, middle, and end of therapy. They get in the car, on the way to therapy, heads spinning with the events of the day, but not super concerned with big emotional stuff. “What are we going to talk about?” they wonder.
When the question doesn’t come up, it is simple: That disagreement on Saturday afternoon hasleft an unpleasant fog over the house. It must be addressed. It tugs at the heart, leaves a lump in the throat. Not sustainable, gotta talk about it.
Other times, the week has been normal, everything is flowing along, and you wonder, “Do we still need to be in therapy? Are things going okay now? Can we save the money and finally buy that camper, because now we like each other again?” Maybe. It’s true that you feel like this when therapy is winding down. You are ready to move on – or just come in sometimes for tune-ups.
But this can also be an opportunity to have the non-crisis conversations you haven’t had in a while. When a couple comes in and says that they have nothing big coming up to talk about, it is really an opportunity. Now is when we can start exploring.
A relationship is like two trees growing together. Each has different genetics, history, and origin. The seeds came from different places and landed by chance right next to one another. They sprouted independently and now feed on the same soil, sunlight, and water. Each has to face the obstacles to growth on their own, but now each supports one another in that great quest. This means they at once know each other and do not.
When we don’t know what to say but we know that love thrives when we have a meaningful connection, this is our chance to draw on the tools that are all around us. This means the common wisdom of scheduling that regular date and sitting down (fully present) to dinner together on a regular basis. When the budget is tight, it means committing to your “connect time” at home. This is when you have the non-crisis conversations that deepen connection and keep you pointed in the direction of being old, grey and happy together.
It also means that when you have decided to strengthen your marriage through therapy and you feel connected to your therapist, you are not about to miss an opportunity to make the most of your investment.
So the opportunity to talk about the non-crisis stuff has arrived. What to talk about? Usually, we check-in to learn how people are feeling about what we talked about before. Sometimes we check on how the basics of life are going or if there is anything that needs specific attention. If nothing feels like the right place to go, I like to encourage couples to enjoy the luxury of just discovering more about one another
Here are some questions you might choose to dive into when you find yourselves feeling good, relaxed, safe, loving and cozy – conversations for when you are both in the mood to talk, to share, to connect:
- Looking back, what was your favorite and least favorite thing about being a child?
- It is good to talk about how you and your partner saw the world as kids. It helps you see them and understand them better.
- Who do you know and admire for having a strong and supportive relationship and why?
- This can help you each articulate what you think is important and what you seek in the relationship. It can be easier to talk about then directly stating your needs.
- What are your least favorite and most favorite memory of our life together?
- Cultivating an appreciation for tough times that you have overcome and the good memories that get forgotten in every-day life build gratitude. It also reminds you of the great journey that you are on.
- What’s keeping you up at night that I don’t know about?
- This could be delightful imaginings. It could also be a worrisome burden that will feel good to put down.
- What dreams and aspirations sit inside you? What keeps you from accomplishing them?
- You would be surprised to know that many couples do not share all hopes and dreams with their spouse. This can be for many reasons, but it doesn’t hurt to open that door.
- And, last but most certainly not least, what do you think will keep adding spark to our sex life? Got any fun ideas?
- If you don’t know what you want to talk about, it is always a great excuse to talk about sex and physical intimacy.
The list can go on and on. I hope these questions inspire you and add to your conversation repertoire.
What a loving thing to do for your person: open the door, invite them in to your safe space, and listen to what they have to say. When you know it is time to connect but don’t quite know how, may these questions be your inspiration.
It is easy to forget how many good conversations are still to be had when you think you don’t know what to say.
The creative void, that place of emptiness, that moment of thought silence that is not knowing what to talk about – it is a gift. Soon enough, there will be plenty of thoughts racing along again.