“Honey, we have to talk.”
Unless you are a therapist or someone deeply connected to the power of mindful dialogue, these are probably not your five favorite words.
What happens now? In a good setting, this can lead to a dynamic and real conversation that moves your relationship along the life journey in a positive direction. In a raw emotional environment, it can lead to a heart-wrenching void between you both.
But every couple has to talk. And every couple has to talk about the most intimate details of life. That’s just how it goes. So how do you have those essential conversations of life when stuff has gone sour and neither of you is feeling loved and cherished?
The truth is, in a crisis, when a couple doesn’t have a solid belief in mutual love, care, and acceptance, these hard conversations don’t often go well. We are not wired to be vulnerable and solve problems with those we don’t trust
But hope is not lost for the couple that finds themselves alienated from each other in this way. Hope can come from all the conversations they start having to get to a place where they feel loved and accepted again.
What is a meaningful conversation? It is a bonding conversation that is about something mutually meaningful, that provides safe space for processing and expressing perspective, and ends with a fresh perspective (notice I don’t say, “a fresh solution”).
Couples therapy should be a place where those conversations are possible. Sometimes it takes three to make this happen, at least for a while. The long-term goal is that it becomes safe and comfortable to have these conversations without me in the room. We work toward this.
When we know these conversations are essential, but it is not easy to have them with our person, therapy is there. It is a sign of wisdom to give such conversations priority even when you can’t do it without a therapist’s support at first.
There is nothing more beautiful than witnessing these conversations. I thank my clients for letting me into their lives in this way.